Finding Dory

Concept of Mind - A kid with a piece of wood held like a pencil - captured in Jayanagar 3rd Block

I joined Ente on my birthday, to celebrate my one-year anniversary, 20th birthday, and last working day at Ente altogether. Nothing works as expected, and I never expect things to work the way my mind is orchestrating them. And that is what happened.

I was originally hired to be a “Developer Relations Engineer” but I never really wanted that on me, I hated that title and I got it changed to “Engineer”. The job was also somewhat engineering focused because I was solving problems for those who self host. If the reader knows me personally well enough, they’ll know the strong hate I have for that role title and DevRels. DevRels lie between Developers and Community, they’re supposed to be the bridge. During the same time, I applied to work on Frappe Mail, but the Lead Developer denied it because the product was going through breaking changes contionuously. Ente still felt very exciting because of Privacy, Encryption, and I imagined myself with them. I accepted Ente’s offer and soon I was moved to Bangalore. My parents were still afraid because it had just been 25 days since I had come home and I was already saying “Cool, I’ll be leaving for Bangalore in 10 days”. It took some time to convince but moving to Bangalore was the best choice. I also got a 10k bump in salary for the same reason. Once more, the change hit like Kanagawa waves, finding PG, understanding and getting used to new people around me. For the initial few days, I did not talk much, Vishnu used to ask me “Why are you not talking like before?” or “Why are you so silent?”.

I wanted to write code and provide value or meaning to the company via the product while doing what I was hired for. Imagine a stage, a couple of people standing on the stage with happiness on their faces, all of them have lights focused over them, but only one doesn’t has it, its all dark around that particular person. After some time, I started feeling like the odd man out. Initially, I labeled it as my imposter syndrome. 6 months into the Job, I pushed multiple PRs to improve documentation, gave tech support to hundreds of self-hosters and also managed to push a small feature to Ente’s V1 release. All of this didn’t help and wasn’t supposed to help. I felt amazed one day if I discovered something amusing, but declared it a dumb discovery just the second day. I’d have moments when I have a minute off the screen. I’d look towards others focusing on their screens, push multiple commits in a day, and write features that were endorsed by the customers. And then I’d question, “Why am I not them?”. Of course I know, it wasn’t really the right question.

I planned to take a break for a week and visit home after Frappe Build during April first week. I met Rushabh there, it’s always grand to meet him. There he told me that Frappe Cloud had an opening and asked me if I was willing to take the risk of making a switch. He felt that I should take the risk because I’m young and I can afford to do that. I don’t honestly know about affordability. Thought over it, and I felt that maybe I could afford to take the risk? I took the bait and told Vishnu all the conversations between me and rushabh. Initially, he said he wouldn’t want me to leave and I asked him saying, “Why do you want me to be here ?” he replied, “I like you as a person and you seem to be a good fit in the team”. I surely appreciate and was pleased by those words, but I wanted to hear if I provide some value to the product or company first. I couldn’t really be the cork of any wine bottle. Ente was fine with me leaving, after all, they wouldn’t want to have someone in the room who doesn’t enjoy what they are doing. I had stopped enjoying my work after a point. I had also tried to save my job in Ente if failed Frappe because I was really scared of losing both. Because of which I had put Vishnu in a very uncomfortable state for a long time. Ente was generous enough to pay me till May. So, that I can figure out things and Frappe. I went home, and couldn’t take a rest.

Rushabh had asked me to open PRs to frappe/press in order to getting hired and also so that I could get a hang of the code base. For a week, I worked on opening PRs and understanding the code base. I ended up opening 1 short PR and the other which wasn’t very critically complex, but had some decency, which I couldn’t complete because I had come back to Bangalore and was sprinting between Ente in the day and Frappe Cloud in the night. There’s no hardship in these things, if I have hardships then I’m just giving excuses.

I opened 2 PRs, but failed in completing the other because I lost interest because of the delay, and tiredness and had given up the thought of joining Frappe. After some days, Rushabh took things into his own hands, Aditya (Frappe Cloud Founder) also wanted to go ahead with me. I flew to Mumbai for an interview, but that did not really feel like an interview and that day we had confirmed the Job. Later, I got an email saying I’d be having a technical interview that day. I was ready and also not ready, but mostly I was fine with it. I don’t know if I was excited or nervous, because this was my first ever interview in the last 2 years of working. I did not open the internet, study about topics, or do anything for the interview, I had decided that I’d be myself. In fact, I was listening to “The Box” by Roddy Richh before the interview and was wondering about what a stellar job the sound engineers did in recording that. Not because I was overconfident or I think I know everything in technology, but just because I did not know what to prepare. The interview didn’t go very well and Faris (my interviewer) put a remark saying “felt like he was making things up and did not accept that he needs to learn”. I did not understand what to say, but maybe it was right. Of course, I am egoistic about that and it freaks me to have that label over me, but maybe he pierced something which I’m unaware about.

Over the years, I must’ve also developed an ego alongside philosophies. For example, I don’t like to use the word “try” because I feel the ones who use the word “try” are just buying themselves time or covering their mess under a blanket. In Ente, as well, I have rarely used the word “try” and always choose between “I will/can do it” or “I will/can not”. If I had said “I will do it”, I really went ahead and somehow did whatever I promised. Maybe that is why, I did not say the words “I’ll try”, or “I’m guessing” while I was asked about stuff and asked to refactor the code in the interview. But anyways, I accept the feedback. I always have this belief that “I can figure out anything”. Maybe, that formed a perception around me that I’m arrogant and not humble enough to accept the depth I’m in. A lot to think and check on going ahead. Nietzsche never cared about what his philosophies were getting interpreted as.

Rushabh had always asked me and suggested I join Frappe. He had never even asked me questions like How good of a programmer I am, how good of a hacker/tinkerer I am, or How deep I am into technology. He just always asked me “What do you want to do?”. The fact that I have this thought now after getting hired irks in any state of my mind. Unlike all his other employees, I am not a good programmer by any means because I just recently started pushing code to projects. Back when I was 15, I just knew some Linux, played with it for hours, watched “Caleb Curry’s C++ Tutorials” or “Luke Smith’s ThinkPad setup”, dreamed of being a “___________” but I still suck over the years. Why? Because I can’t do one thing at a time. Maybe boils down somewhere to my childhood and ADHD. When I was in 10th, I felt that my perception of “Jack of all, master of none” was painstakingly going to destroy me. I had grown up hearing my father say “You should be able to do everything”, but I felt like he wanted to kill me. But now, I’m addicted to being a polymath and jack of all trades because I believe I’d like to have knowledge of everything. Because, that will make me happy.

I want to be a cartoonist if I want to convey something via drawings, I want to make videos and content if I want to make documentaries, I should be able to take good photographs to cherish memories, I should be able to play music if I want to make music. Not to replace anyone but just to be satisfied. These are very simple things that everyone can do and already are doing. But, just at the base level. Everyone knows that a football is to be kicked, but the ones who learn and observe know how to kick it appropriately. According to my self-righteous and delusional belief, you’re just one step away from “Observing”, “Copying” and “Imagining” . Also, the full quote by William Shakespeare goes like “Jack of all, master of none, oftentimes better than the master of one”.

Maybe after reading this most will think of me as “The Abbot: who fell on his head”. Formidably, I’m breaking my teeth once again.

I wouldn’t be sad if Frappe doesn’t work out or I don’t do well, but moreover, I’d be deeply sad to lose a lovely team at Ente who gave a good first experience of culture in my career. There’s not much culture defined, its just how everyone in Ente is. Always caring, loving and graceful towards each other. Thanks to Ente for having the dumbest of me in the team. Now the time comes again when “we” or “us” becomes “you” and “our” becomes “your/their”. Maybe, I have acted very impatient but for someone skipping college every single day counts. To be very honest, 5-6 months in Ente, I had decided that I will stay for longer, but I’m not in control of my own.

Anyways, I hope that I’ll bake my lemon meringue pie well because Ginger Ale is waiting to be sipped. But also I don’t know, I haven’t seen the world with naked eyes, just recorded it.

Thank You Ente.io,
Mangesh